The Phone Message Hall of Shame

The Phone Message Hall of Shame

Back in the late 80's and early 90's and just out of college, I shared a house with a buddy of mine. The place was a cabin that belonged to his dad, not in the greatest shape, but what did we care? The rent was cheap, it was right across the road from a lake, and access to a speedboat and pontoon. Too far out into the boonies for city water, the well water had so much iron and junk in it, the shower curtains turned orange within a week. There was also a phone answering machine that came with the territory.

Now this wasn't some high-tech state-of-the-art answering machine. It was your basic mini-cassette model, probably from the early or mid eighties. The outgoing message was on one tape, the incoming messages on another. The outgoing message was limited to twenty seconds. More specifically, the outgoing message had to be exactly twenty seconds. If it was shorter, there would just be blank silence until the 20-second mark, then the beep.

Being bored one day, I changed the outgoing message from the traditional, "Hello, you have reached 424-blahblahblah" to something I hoped was a little more creative. It became sort of a game, to try and be entertaining and original, maybe incorporating music from our fairly sizeable tape collection (no, not CDs... again, late eighties) and do it all in exactly twenty seconds.

Some accomplished that goal, and were kind of funny. Others were pretty lame. Some stayed on the machine for a week or two. Some lasted a day (or less). I have always hung onto the message tape. Every year or two I would stumble across it and listen to it again. Hopefully, you'll like at least a few of them!

#1 - Cheer up
The first one of the bunch. Not hilarious, but still included for the sake of completeness.
Music/Sounds: Something lowdown and blue from B.B. King, I think.

#2 - Orange & Red Beams
Not much to this one except a portion of a song from Eric Burdon & The Animals called "Orange and Red Beams", which we used to listen to all the time back then. The first syllable of each verse has this really interesting effect where it "fades in". I think they played something backwards to get the effect.
Music/Sounds: "Orange and Red Beams" - Eric Burdon & The Animals

Trivia: Orange and Red Beams was one of Jimi Hendrix's favorite songs.
When "The Twain Shall Meet" was reissued in 1995, Orange and Red Beams was titled Orange and Red Beans. (Thanks for the trivia, Chris!)

#3 - Conversion
Showing my spiritual side.
Music: Hare Krsna Mantra - The Radha Krsna Temple One of the wackier tapes from my roomie's collection.

#4 - Cruelty
I used to listen to a radio show by a guy named Kevin Matthews back when he was on Chicago's AM1000 WLUP. He used to do this character called "von Bone" in a similar voice. He was always threatening to "crush your neck like a cheeken bo-o-one" By the way, he's still funny, he's still in Chicago, and you can visit his site at www.kevhead.com.
Music/Sounds: ?Wagner?

#5 - When Gretchen Attacks!
Chris had a Boston Terrier named Gretchen. If you got her agitated enough, she would make these really great "feral dog" noises.
Music/Sounds: Gretchen

#6 - Game Show
Not one of my favorites...
Music/Sounds: Intro (Track 1) - De La Soul - "Three Feet High and Rising".

#7 - Tibet
Music/Sounds: Romeo Had Juliet - Lou Reed - "New York"

#8 - Paul Harvey
And now you know... the rest of the story!
Music/Sounds: N/A

#9 - In The Studio
I'll be the first to admit all my impressions suck. This is no exception.
Music/Sounds: Something hip and jazzy, man. Dig that, man, if you will.

#10 - Sinuses
Music/Sounds: John Candy as Del Griffith from the movie "Planes, Trains and Automobiles" with just a wee bit of sinus trouble.

#11 - He's A Little Tied Up Right Now
Music/Sounds: That's me playing an Oscar-worthy double-role.

#12 - Conversion
Music: ~~?? Can't recall who sings this or what it is. All I can pick out is something about a "drinkin' man". Molly Hatchet, maybe?~~
UPDATE: Further ino on the source music from the former roomie himself! This is Everybody Loves a Drinking Man by Savoy Brown. (Thanks, Chris! Good hearing from you again!)

#13 - Lawyers Gone Wild!
Everybody loves Raymond.
Music/Sounds: Something sappily romantic off the E-Z Listening Radio, with lots of gooey strings and piano.

#14 - Veteran's Day
Salute when you listen to this, soldier!
Music/Sounds: The Fightin' Side of Me - Merle Haggard

#15 - Cuckoo's Nest
Showing my spiritual side.
Music/Sounds: More E-Z Listening stuff from the radio.

#16 - It's A Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood
Can you say "bad impression"? I knew you could!.
Music/Sounds: Cherry Street - Pianosaurus. From their one and only "Groovy Neighborhood" album. Recorded entirely with toy instruments, including a Fraggle Rock drumkit.

#17 - Oy, my pelvis!
Man, I really hate this one. Included for sake of completeness only. What was I thinking??
Music/Sounds: Me as both interviewer/interviewee

#18 - Sunday Morning Coming Down
Must have been hungover.
Music/Sounds: Sunday Morning Coming Down - from Waylon Jennings "The Taker/Tulsa".

#19 - New Business
Punchline is right at the end, so you have to really pay attention.
Music/Sounds: That's me playing all the roles again. Look out, Meryl Streep!

#20 - Still-dead Elvis
Even after death, The King makes time to update our answering machine. Talk about a gentleman!
Music/Sounds: Donimo - from Cocteau Twins "Treasure"

#21 - This is your brain...
For those of you who may have missed the TV commercials back in the late 80's, you can read this for a little background.
Music/Sounds: Just me, a hot frying pan and a little water.

#22 - Ho, ho, ho
Another in a long line of terrible impressions. This time, I'm murdering Jimmy Stewart.
Music/Sounds: What Child Is This? - Vince Guaraldi's "A Charlie Brown Christmas"

#23 - Happy B-day Elvis
Yay! Yet another excuse to use my crummy Elvis impression!
Music/Sounds: "Suspicious Minds" - Fine Young Cannibals

#24 - Top 40
Casey fulfills a request.
Music/Sounds: Me as both interviewer/interviewee

#25 - Dead Pool
We used to play a game called Dead Pool. You can play it online now, as a matter of fact. Everyone kicks in $10 or $20, and you create a list of 10 famous people you think are going to die that calendar year. The person with the most right wins the pot. I never won because I kept picking Bob Hope, who managed to hang on for another 13 years or so...
Music/Sounds: "People Who Died" - Jim Carroll Band

#26 - Crimestoppers
I still like this one quite a bit. Crimestoppers used to be a police program where they would allow people could call in leads to various crimes in hopes of getting a reward. They used to run these spots on the radio highlighting a particular crime each week, and asking for calls. This is my spin on it.
Music/Sounds: "Knockin' On Heaven's Door" - Bob Dylan from the Pat Garrett & Billy The Kid soundtrack.

#27 - The Return of von Bone
When von Bone wants to know something, it's always wise to talk.
Music/Sounds: I don't know, but it sure is sinister-sounding.

#28 - MH/NKOTB
Who were the marketing geniuses who came up with this one, huh?
Music/Sounds: Can't tell, and don't remember. Probably something from Merle, though.

#29 - Sammy Part II
Why? Because he's The Candyman, of course.
Music/Sounds: Me as both interviewer/interviewee

#30 - Possessed!
Just another boring night at home.
Music/Sounds: "Tubular Bells, Pt. 1" - Mike Oldfield

#31 - Saturday morning
We all have our guilty pleasures.
Music/Sounds: Some random Saturday morning cartoon on the TV in the background.

#32 - Barney
If I had to choose, this would be my favorite of these dumb things.
Music/Sounds: "Knockin' On Heaven's Door" - Bob Dylan from the Pat Garrett & Billy The Kid soundtrack.

#33 - Squeaky
Wow, a helpful phone message and an important public service announcement!
Music/Sounds: That's me on the sped-up tape.

#34 - Bob Lamal
?ti teG ?boB lamaL eH sdnuos sdrawkcab nehw eh !sklat
Music/Sounds: "Revolution 9" - The Beatles' White Album

#35 - The Man From New York
Another of the weird backwards-sounding messages. Earlier I mentioned one of my radio idols, Kevin Matthews. He also used to have this character called simply "The Man From New York". "The Man" would come out sometimes when voiceover work and narration and the like had to be done. He spoke in this odd, very stilted tone, and this is me doing my best to imitate it.
Music/Sounds: "Revolution 9" - The Beatles' White Album

#36 - Self-pity
Too bad there was no Prozac back then, huh?
Music/Sounds: "Breathe" - Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon

#37 - Art
Proof that Art Linkletter was really an S.O.B.
Music/Sounds: Another challenging dual-role. I think I hear Oscar knocking!